of course you are
by Randomonium
Summary: Are you still mad? AU, rated for language


**of course you are**

are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?

you had no reason no provocation, it was just some cruel whim of yours a petty argument we'd had and you used it as an excuse to banish me to the couch for a week. I didn't complain, figured you had your reasons realised you'd had your hardships recognised you were broken and didn't say anything in hopes that it would make your life easier (while it did nothing for mine)

are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?

this or that my way or the highway some or nothing at all now or never her or me do you want me or not? I lived with those constantly and tried not to feel too harddoneby and tried tried so hard so keep the peace and yet it never seemed to work because there was always something else and it drove me insane but I coped I survived (and I always chose you)

are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?

I stood there staring in complete disbelief as you stood on the table and yelled out everything that we had kept carefully hidden behind closed doors the fights the arguments the space the distance the coolness the heat the fire the dangerous flames that licked at the very roots of our relationship, all with a grin on your face and a manic glint in your eye alcohol running in your veins your face lit up with furious exhilaration and all our friends everyone we knew and didn't know were staring and silent, gaping as you laughed hysterically and yelled it all out to the world and then you were finished and leapt off kissed me fiercely on the mouth and left and the silence broke as everyone looked at me out of the corners of their eyes and muttered and whispered to each other and none of our friends my friends people I had known long before I had met you averted their gaze and couldn't look me in the eyes (that night we had one of the biggest fights we'd ever had and it took days before anyone could talk normally to me again)

are you still mad I had an emotional affair?

I had to sit there and watch you with him hanging onto his every word and while I hated every single torturous minute of the whole damn affair I couldn't exactly do anything because you still went home with me every night and I knew you hadn't touched him hadn't kissed him hadn't fucked him hadn't done anything whatsoever other than talk and so I had to sit there and smile and pretend to not notice and at home you chattered on constantly about him, the bastard had become some sort of deity in your eyes and it killed me (I suspected you did it because you drew some sort of perverse pleasure from my reaction and I know you noticed that I fucked you harder and took you rougher than ever during that period of time, trying to convince myself that you were still mine)

are you still mad that I tried to mold you into who I wanted you to be?

be this do that dress like so quit that take up this love this hate that eat this drink that you don't want that act like this be perfect be who I want change for me and always why are you being so difficult? that didn't work so well did it (you forgot I had a backbone)

are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?

you were constantly suspicious and paranoid and took it all out on me because you couldn't take it out on anyone else and you didn't dare mention it to your oh-so-powerful precious darling brother and when you were in one of your moods which came moreandmore frequently anything I said did tried to say tried to do you would turn into some conspiracy and scream and shout and yell and hit and bite and threaten and accuse and break down and I would have no idea what I did what I was supposedly going to do and it scared me and hurt me (I couldn't understand why you wouldn't trust me)

of course you are

of course I am

of course you are

of course I should be

are you still mad that I flirted wildly?

every singleman that crossed your path got the same treatment laughter and grins and winks and smiles and jokes and whispers and brushes of your hand on their cheek and lascivious smirks and suggestive glances and your beautiful blonde hair on their shoulders as you leaned in to tell them something 'important' and tired fruitless glares from me and curious glances from friends and a broken heart when you left with me (which only appeased my ego very slightly)

are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?

you were demanding and insistent telling me to be careful and smothering me even as you seemed not to care in the slightest and even as you left me largely to my own devices you told me what to do every second of the day and while you were the wild one the irresponsible one the loose one the immoral one the motherless one you seemed to worry over me more than I did over you wanting to make sure that I had everything before I went anywhere and throwing a temper tantrum if I didn't have something warm with me justincase on a balmy summer night while you went out in the tiniest tank tops ever without anything else because you 'hated carrying things around unnecessarily' (I can't tell you how much these double standards confused me and infuriated me)

are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?

you never seemed to be fully mine even while you were you seemed to be elsewhere so much and through all our times together you always had your own tiny poky flat even though it was largely empty and you were never there even when we had fights and I was consigned to the couch and we didn't talk for days you never left my place our place where you had moved in and stayed there the other flat was yours in name only. I couldn't do anything without you knowing exactly what it was and where why howlong and yet you breezed around casually from one activity to the next spontaneously changing plans with absolutely no intention or thought of telling me anything. clingingly absent you were attention starved you were hated being chained up you did wild and free and beautiful and untameable you were subtly mine you were (you could've so easily been having affair and yet I trusted you implicitly)

are you still mad that we slept together even after we had ended it?

I hated myself for it I hated you for it because it only served to hurt me more than you already had because it hadn't been a friendly breakup it had been flying accusations barbed words veiled expressions shadowed glares yelling crying hysterical laughing violent ejection of belongings into the street dead eyes dead weight lotsandlots of mind numbing alcohol concerned friends locked door drawn curtains self hate complete confusion and then I saw you and you saw me and there were more words and more confusion and I just had to know so you came back to my place and we tried to talk but started fighting and one thing led to another and we landed in bed and it was sweaty and stupid and callous and harsh and horrible and loud and rough and beautiful and terrible and sour and sharp and mindnumbinglyamazing and I could taste the acrid taste of it in my mouth for months afterwards and it wouldn't leave my mind (it was the most bittersweet moment of my life)

of course you are

of course I am

of course you are

of course I should be

are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?

I didn't have a say in much you dominated the relationship in bed in social life in home life in anything of importance and most of my suggestions would be met with indifference at best dismissal always and yet I wasn't really too bothered me being who I am and the laziness engraved into my bones because my suggestions were sometimes taken into account (and I can't count how many times my laziness served to be your downfall in attempting to be ruler of all you surveyed because I couldn't be bothered to do what you told me to)

are you still mad that I seemed to focus only on your potential?

you were constantly telling me that I should stop being so lazy that I could do so well in life if only I tried I was a genius after all if only I actually went for that promotion applied for that job I could be rich I could be famous I was brilliant enough to be and yet I didn't and _why not _when I could achieve so highly in whatever field I chose to do and you despaired because I just wasn't interested and you didn't seem to notice or acknowledge that I was earning just as much as you if not a little more and was living quite comfortably with the essentials plus luxuries and so didn't see the point of working any harder when I really didn't need to but still you went on and on and onandon about how I was letting my genius go to waste and I could do so so sososo much better and easily win academic prizes and that my potential was going to waste (yet another way in which you sounded exactly like my mother)

are you still mad that I threw in the towel?

I couldn't believe it. we had been together for years and you hadn't seemed any different lately and we hadn't been fighting more than usual although that didn't really say much because I think we fought more on a good day than a couple on the brink of breakup did normally and then you come out of nowhere and declare that you couldn't take it anymore (couldn't take what anymore, I had to ask, I was the one who had to struggle)

are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?

while our relationship was optimistically maybe a shade above dysfunctional I couldn't imagine life without it I couldn't imagine life without you even though I had had a lot less fighting and yelling and disruption in my life before you came along life seemed to be more colourful with you in it and I think that at the end of it all I realized that you had given up a long time ago maybe even before the relationship had possibly even started although I still think that you had a fatalistic outlook on relationships from previous attempts because I will be the first to admit that you're hard to live with and harder to love but I never gave up and never resigned it to history because I had actually spoken to your brothers unlike your previous men they said so I knew about your fucked up life and while I never probed further than was entirely comfortable I had a measure of understanding and besides I think a part of me enjoyed our alltoofrequent altercations and the truth is while you were constantly bemoaning my laziness you motivated more than anything else ever had. I loved you and our far from perfect relationship I thought it could last I thought we were muddling along quite well despite appearances and so when I realized you had given up so long before it hurt almost more than you ending it because I also vaguely recognised that your reason for ending it was that you couldn't stand hanging around waiting for me to end it as you were absolutely certain I would sooner or later and you'd rather end it on your terms than mine and I felt betrayed that you doubted me so much that you thought I was like all the other bastards you had dated previously but I couldn't tell you that in the moment couldn't all your bluff because stupidly I hadn't seen it coming (you really need to have more faith in people baby me especially)

of course you are

of course I am

of course you are

of course I should be

of course you are

and as you turn away from my doorway desolate and bitter and angry and sad I reach forward and grab you and turn you around and envelope you in a hug and I just hold you because that's what you need and you're surprised and speechless and immobile for the time being and as soon as you seem to be able to make the slightest movement that might be a struggle I just hold you tighter and slowly slowly I feel your arms hesitantly moving and your hands gripping my shirt and then you're clenching your fists in my shirt as hard as you can and your arms are tight around me and you're crying into my chest and I'm just holding you and burying my face in your hair and closing my eyes and breathing you in because you don't know how much I've missed you and yes I'm mad at you of course I am you hurt me quite a lot actually and you did a lot of things that made me angry that made me furious and you never apologized so of course I'm mad but babe we've spent most of our time together being mad at each other in some form or another and it's never stopped me loving you and it's not going to be easy at all because these things never are but we can give it our best shot and we'll probably be mad at each other many more times on the road but I don't think it'll be all that bad because I've discovered you can be mad and happy at the same time if circumstances are right and it's an amazing feeling really

(because you're broken and you broke me so we can both be broken together)

**-end-**

**A/N: This hurt to write. Seriously. It's a semi-songfic in that I have used lyrics from a song. Everything that Temari 'said' (everything in the centre because ff(dot)net won't allow words on the right of the page as I originally formatted) are lyrics from 'Are you still mad' by Alanis Morrisette. I can't say the song is my favourite but I read the lyrics before I heard the song and this popped into my mind, except it seemed slightly more confusing and chaotic then. But I like how it turned out. Yes, I butchered the English languages rules what with little punctuation and practically no capital letters and minimal paragraphs and words running into each other. If you hate me for it, you hate me for it. It reminds me of my dad's emails, although he has misspellings too. **

**But yeah. I like it. Sorry if you didn't. If it's kinda confusing, basically what appears to be happening in my mind is that Temari is seriously fucked up by the past and shit and stuff like that and so therefore doesn't exactly react rationally. It's what I imagine she would be like if she didn't have such a strong character. Basically fucked up. **

**But I do hope you actually liked it and would love reviews =D **


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